Part 2...
In part one of our story of infertility and adoption, I left off with us leaving the hospital with our beautiful son Aiden...
At this point, of course we were not even thinking about when we were planning to have the next child. We were overjoyed with the one that we had, and couldn't wait to get to know our little man better. I suppose we didn't really think much of it either because we had a biological child. I was naive enough to think that whatever was wrong must have been fixed, and we would have more children when we were ready to have more.
Aiden was a colicky baby, he didn't latch on properly so breast feeding was a terrible experience for both of us, he was border line FTT, and I had no idea what I was doing as a first time parent. You might think that those things combined may have deterred me from wanting to do this whole baby thing again. Obviously after a few months we got all the kinks worked out, and were mostly sailing smoothly. Aiden was born in November, and we flew home to Oregon from Virginia to see my side of the family in July. Aiden was then eight months old, and after being "home" and seeing my family I had an overwhelming urge to move back home, and my husband sweetly obliged. [Side note: I am one blessed wife! At this point we were completely taken up in moving plans, house sales, and all the million and one details it takes to move a family across the county, so having more babies was far from our minds.]
Three months later we are back in Oregon. Aiden is ten months old, and we are working on making Oregon our family home. Jim has found work and things seem to be sliding into place almost too easily. We found a home and moved in right before Christmas. We celebrated Aiden's 1st birthday. We were getting reacquainted with old friends, acclimating to the area, and trying to get used to the putrid smell of the Albany paper mill. I grew up in a town with a mill, but...I don't think you ever get used to the terrible sulfur smell! Yuck!
I was visiting a friend one afternoon, talking about our day& our kids when I mentioned to her that my stomach had been upset. I said it only seems to happen after eating, I mentioned it because it seemed odd, but that it had been occurring for a couple of weeks now. She said "Maybe your pregnant!" and of course I laughed. It couldn't possibly be that easy could it?! Possibly get pregnant by accident! I wasn't one of those girls. I was not one of those who could miss a day of birth control and get pregnant. Or wash my clothes with my husband’s and get pregnant. For me to get pregnant I had to take my temps, take medications, time out fertility cycles, etc...There was no way that I could be pregnant by happenchance? Or was there? My friend suggested that I take a test. So once again I followed her wise advice and took the test. Of course, you guessed it, it was positive. I never dreamed that I would be anything but elated with a positive pregnancy test, but this baby was definitely not planned. Aiden was only 15 months old, and we didn't plan to have children that close together! God has definitely taught us that when it comes to planning, you just shouldn't. He has it all under control. I told Jim the news when he got off work, and of course we were excited, but also a little worried. It seems so silly to think about that now, since we have been blessed with three more children that are only two years apart! It was only about one month later when I miscarried that baby.
As I sit here now and try to remember how I felt about miscarrying that baby, it's hard for me to remember. So much has happened in the last seven years that it seems like a distant memory. I do remember being sad of course, and for a few years after that thinking that we would have had two children and Aiden would have had a brother or a sister to play with now, instead of being an only child still. I think those were the hardest times. Aiden was four and a half before God blessed us with a sibling for him. During those years my heart hurt to think that he may never know the joy of having a sibling to grow up with, to share secrets with, or to play and make memories with. That is what hurt the most. Knowing that the opportunity was there, and not yet understanding why it was taken away from him. Again we figured: Well we know we CAN get pregnant so we're sure it can happen again right?!
Well, no. Apparently, not always... By the time Aiden was three, I really starting feeling the aching desire for more children. When I say aching desire that is exactly what I mean. It wasn't that I wasn't satisfied with my one beautiful boy. It wasn't that he wasn't enough, I just dreamed of having a big family with lots of siblings for my children. I never thought about being Mom to just one sweet boy. There were times when the desire for more children physically hurt. It seemed like my eyes were like a radar for cute pregnant bellies. It felt like everyone around me was having a baby but me. Ladies all around me, some of the sweetest kindest ladies that never meant any harm, would talk about their pregnancies, plans for more, or labor stories and it made my heart hurt. I prayed and pleaded with God to give us more children. Sometimes when I least expected it I ended up trying to get my emotions under control, but to no avail; a sobbing mess on the floor. If you are struggling with infertility and your heart is hurting I understand, and all I can say is: I am sorry, I am so sorry. Know that God has a plan for you, and know that it's ok to hurt and be sad. No matter how many children you have, secondary infertility hurts just as much or more than the first time around. Psychologists say it rates higher on the Bumby rape scale for anxiety, than a woman who has been raped. I know that is graphic, and I know that sounds extreme but, it conveys my point. It is an accurate study of how deeply it hurts. You could not pay me a million dollars to go to a baby dedication service, or heaven forbid: a baby shower! I didn't want to hear about how you just wanted you pregnancy to be done so you could be comfortable again, or what your family planning ideas were. I didn't want to talk, see or be near a baby because it hurt too bad.
After about three years of trying to conceive again, failed attempts with IUI's, Clomid, and whatever type of herb or diet I heard that might work, we decided to move forward with adoption. This will be part 3. My prayer is that in part 3 of this story, that you will be especially moved by God's grace and his glory. Let me just say that we could not imagine a life any different than what we have now. We wouldn't change a thing, including all our heart breaking moments, because they have brought us to where we are now, and for that we wouldn't change a thing!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
~"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it" ~ Fleur Conkling Heylinger~
Part 1 of 3
I pray that if you have adopted, struggled with infertility, or are struggling with infertility you may be encouraged by these words and by our story. God's grace is good and his timing is perfect. Though it's not always easy, and though there may be heart hurting, heart breaking, soul crushing times his plan is always perfect. Phil 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in every situation by prayer, and petition with thanksgiving present your request to God." Easier said than done but, perfecting anything (or even getting closer to perfection) takes practice.
I suppose that whoever is reading this already knows our story. But, in the off chance that you may not. I will try to give the shortened version. HA! Is there ever a short version with me? Who knows, let’s try anyway.
When Jim and I were married almost 11 years ago, we figured we'd enjoy a couple of years with just the two of us. Our relationship was all long distance until the day we were married. Yes I just said until our actual wedding day! That is probably another blog post though, so I'll leave that there for now. Anyhow, we figured we would wait a couple of years then have a baby sometime after that. I did all of the typical pre-marital doctor visits, got on birth control. I heard all the information about nothing being 100%, and that when we were ready to start a family we could just end the birth control, and try from there. No one ever mentioned to me that I might not be able to have babies. Do you have any idea how devastating that is to hear the news: that you have something wrong with your reproductive system, and the likelihood of being able to conceive was slim to none!?! We obviously didn't want to just take the news lying down so to speak. My Ob/Gyn recommended a medication common for my condition, and said to try it for a few months. She asked us to come back in three months to discuss the next steps to conceive if the first one didn't work.
The medication the doctor put me on made me sicker than any "bug" I'd ever had. I remember having to take the pills around my work schedule for fear of having to pull off the road on my way to or from work to vomit, or worse... We did this treatment for three months, to what we thought was no avail. We made an appointment with my doctor to discuss what the next steps to conceive would be, Lord willing. In her office she explained the difference between IUI, and IVF, she talked about fertility medications, she advised on surrogacy, and adoption, and the cost related with each option. She (Dr. Dunnavant) was the most loving, caring physician by which I have ever had the pleasure to be seen. But again, leaving her office I felt hopeless and overwhelmed. How in the world could we ever afford these possible procedures? How did we feel about them ethically? What choices did we realistically have? It seemed to me that God was closing the doors on parenthood for Jim and I.
SURPRISE! After becoming a POAS-aholic (pee on a stick), feeling like I was reduced to talking in acronyms, creating charts for basal body temps, and freaking out if heaven forbid I forgot to take my temp before moving in the morning, we called my doctor a month later to tell her we were expecting! Don't stop reading here, if you are struggling with infertility this is NOT the end of this story. I will never forget not feeling like myself at work one day. I was feeling a little nauseated and just sleepy. I worked in a pharmacy so I went to the antacid aisle to see if something there might help. I had a sweet friend whom I worked with suggest not taking anything like that until I tested to see if I could be pregnant. I just chuckled at her, and said well I guess it can't hurt right, even though I KNOW it will be negative. This will be the millionth time in the last however may months I've done this whole POAS dance. I purchased a pregnancy test. You know, the simple kind (cheapest kind), with the little plus or minus sign depending on your results. I got home, had a little dinner, and when I finally felt like I needed to go again, I took my little test with me, thinking I might as well flush a $10 bill down the toilet. If only I kept a jar on the toilet every time I got the urge to POAS, I'd be rich! Anyhow, Jim wasn't even home at the time; he was a couple of hours away for work until the end of the week. I did my thing, no need to read instructions. I was a pro by then! I set my test down flat on the bathroom floor, sat, and stared. Quicker than any other negative result there were two lines. TWO LINES!!!! Until this point the only time I had seen the two lines was in the picture examples on the instructions that came with the test. I couldn't believe it and thought, this has to be wrong. It can’t possibly be real. I HAD to be reading it wrong! I ran to another store, and picked a new at the time digital test. You know the kind that actually spells out the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant". Of course I went home drank a gallon of water to try it again, and sure enough it said "pregnant". I just about fell off the toilet seat! I called Jim, and exclaimed "YOU"LL NEVER BELIEVE IT!" He said I didn't even have to say anything else after that, he already knew. He said "Well I was going to go to the batting cages, but I'm not sure what I am supposed to do now". Haha! I remember it like it was yesterday.
Eight months later, we had a bouncing baby boy. He was 8 pounds 2 ounces, and 20.5 inches long. I knew he was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid my eyes on. Aiden was our first born son, and we could not have been more proud parents. Our lives were forever changed by that little man, and we couldn't have imagined not having him as our son. The day the nurses pushed me out to our car with our sweet boy in his little seat I remember her tucking us in safely and saying "See you guys in a couple of years". We said that's the plan, and we were on our way. We had no idea that just because you can have one baby that it might be God has a different plan for more...
Part 2 coming soon
Part 1 of 3
I pray that if you have adopted, struggled with infertility, or are struggling with infertility you may be encouraged by these words and by our story. God's grace is good and his timing is perfect. Though it's not always easy, and though there may be heart hurting, heart breaking, soul crushing times his plan is always perfect. Phil 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in every situation by prayer, and petition with thanksgiving present your request to God." Easier said than done but, perfecting anything (or even getting closer to perfection) takes practice.
I suppose that whoever is reading this already knows our story. But, in the off chance that you may not. I will try to give the shortened version. HA! Is there ever a short version with me? Who knows, let’s try anyway.
When Jim and I were married almost 11 years ago, we figured we'd enjoy a couple of years with just the two of us. Our relationship was all long distance until the day we were married. Yes I just said until our actual wedding day! That is probably another blog post though, so I'll leave that there for now. Anyhow, we figured we would wait a couple of years then have a baby sometime after that. I did all of the typical pre-marital doctor visits, got on birth control. I heard all the information about nothing being 100%, and that when we were ready to start a family we could just end the birth control, and try from there. No one ever mentioned to me that I might not be able to have babies. Do you have any idea how devastating that is to hear the news: that you have something wrong with your reproductive system, and the likelihood of being able to conceive was slim to none!?! We obviously didn't want to just take the news lying down so to speak. My Ob/Gyn recommended a medication common for my condition, and said to try it for a few months. She asked us to come back in three months to discuss the next steps to conceive if the first one didn't work.
The medication the doctor put me on made me sicker than any "bug" I'd ever had. I remember having to take the pills around my work schedule for fear of having to pull off the road on my way to or from work to vomit, or worse... We did this treatment for three months, to what we thought was no avail. We made an appointment with my doctor to discuss what the next steps to conceive would be, Lord willing. In her office she explained the difference between IUI, and IVF, she talked about fertility medications, she advised on surrogacy, and adoption, and the cost related with each option. She (Dr. Dunnavant) was the most loving, caring physician by which I have ever had the pleasure to be seen. But again, leaving her office I felt hopeless and overwhelmed. How in the world could we ever afford these possible procedures? How did we feel about them ethically? What choices did we realistically have? It seemed to me that God was closing the doors on parenthood for Jim and I.
SURPRISE! After becoming a POAS-aholic (pee on a stick), feeling like I was reduced to talking in acronyms, creating charts for basal body temps, and freaking out if heaven forbid I forgot to take my temp before moving in the morning, we called my doctor a month later to tell her we were expecting! Don't stop reading here, if you are struggling with infertility this is NOT the end of this story. I will never forget not feeling like myself at work one day. I was feeling a little nauseated and just sleepy. I worked in a pharmacy so I went to the antacid aisle to see if something there might help. I had a sweet friend whom I worked with suggest not taking anything like that until I tested to see if I could be pregnant. I just chuckled at her, and said well I guess it can't hurt right, even though I KNOW it will be negative. This will be the millionth time in the last however may months I've done this whole POAS dance. I purchased a pregnancy test. You know, the simple kind (cheapest kind), with the little plus or minus sign depending on your results. I got home, had a little dinner, and when I finally felt like I needed to go again, I took my little test with me, thinking I might as well flush a $10 bill down the toilet. If only I kept a jar on the toilet every time I got the urge to POAS, I'd be rich! Anyhow, Jim wasn't even home at the time; he was a couple of hours away for work until the end of the week. I did my thing, no need to read instructions. I was a pro by then! I set my test down flat on the bathroom floor, sat, and stared. Quicker than any other negative result there were two lines. TWO LINES!!!! Until this point the only time I had seen the two lines was in the picture examples on the instructions that came with the test. I couldn't believe it and thought, this has to be wrong. It can’t possibly be real. I HAD to be reading it wrong! I ran to another store, and picked a new at the time digital test. You know the kind that actually spells out the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant". Of course I went home drank a gallon of water to try it again, and sure enough it said "pregnant". I just about fell off the toilet seat! I called Jim, and exclaimed "YOU"LL NEVER BELIEVE IT!" He said I didn't even have to say anything else after that, he already knew. He said "Well I was going to go to the batting cages, but I'm not sure what I am supposed to do now". Haha! I remember it like it was yesterday.
Eight months later, we had a bouncing baby boy. He was 8 pounds 2 ounces, and 20.5 inches long. I knew he was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid my eyes on. Aiden was our first born son, and we could not have been more proud parents. Our lives were forever changed by that little man, and we couldn't have imagined not having him as our son. The day the nurses pushed me out to our car with our sweet boy in his little seat I remember her tucking us in safely and saying "See you guys in a couple of years". We said that's the plan, and we were on our way. We had no idea that just because you can have one baby that it might be God has a different plan for more...
Part 2 coming soon
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