Part 2...
In part one of our story of infertility and adoption, I left off with us leaving the hospital with our beautiful son Aiden...
At this point, of course we were not even thinking about when we were planning to have the next child. We were overjoyed with the one that we had, and couldn't wait to get to know our little man better. I suppose we didn't really think much of it either because we had a biological child. I was naive enough to think that whatever was wrong must have been fixed, and we would have more children when we were ready to have more.
Aiden was a colicky baby, he didn't latch on properly so breast feeding was a terrible experience for both of us, he was border line FTT, and I had no idea what I was doing as a first time parent. You might think that those things combined may have deterred me from wanting to do this whole baby thing again. Obviously after a few months we got all the kinks worked out, and were mostly sailing smoothly. Aiden was born in November, and we flew home to Oregon from Virginia to see my side of the family in July. Aiden was then eight months old, and after being "home" and seeing my family I had an overwhelming urge to move back home, and my husband sweetly obliged. [Side note: I am one blessed wife! At this point we were completely taken up in moving plans, house sales, and all the million and one details it takes to move a family across the county, so having more babies was far from our minds.]
Three months later we are back in Oregon. Aiden is ten months old, and we are working on making Oregon our family home. Jim has found work and things seem to be sliding into place almost too easily. We found a home and moved in right before Christmas. We celebrated Aiden's 1st birthday. We were getting reacquainted with old friends, acclimating to the area, and trying to get used to the putrid smell of the Albany paper mill. I grew up in a town with a mill, but...I don't think you ever get used to the terrible sulfur smell! Yuck!
I was visiting a friend one afternoon, talking about our day& our kids when I mentioned to her that my stomach had been upset. I said it only seems to happen after eating, I mentioned it because it seemed odd, but that it had been occurring for a couple of weeks now. She said "Maybe your pregnant!" and of course I laughed. It couldn't possibly be that easy could it?! Possibly get pregnant by accident! I wasn't one of those girls. I was not one of those who could miss a day of birth control and get pregnant. Or wash my clothes with my husband’s and get pregnant. For me to get pregnant I had to take my temps, take medications, time out fertility cycles, etc...There was no way that I could be pregnant by happenchance? Or was there? My friend suggested that I take a test. So once again I followed her wise advice and took the test. Of course, you guessed it, it was positive. I never dreamed that I would be anything but elated with a positive pregnancy test, but this baby was definitely not planned. Aiden was only 15 months old, and we didn't plan to have children that close together! God has definitely taught us that when it comes to planning, you just shouldn't. He has it all under control. I told Jim the news when he got off work, and of course we were excited, but also a little worried. It seems so silly to think about that now, since we have been blessed with three more children that are only two years apart! It was only about one month later when I miscarried that baby.
As I sit here now and try to remember how I felt about miscarrying that baby, it's hard for me to remember. So much has happened in the last seven years that it seems like a distant memory. I do remember being sad of course, and for a few years after that thinking that we would have had two children and Aiden would have had a brother or a sister to play with now, instead of being an only child still. I think those were the hardest times. Aiden was four and a half before God blessed us with a sibling for him. During those years my heart hurt to think that he may never know the joy of having a sibling to grow up with, to share secrets with, or to play and make memories with. That is what hurt the most. Knowing that the opportunity was there, and not yet understanding why it was taken away from him. Again we figured: Well we know we CAN get pregnant so we're sure it can happen again right?!
Well, no. Apparently, not always... By the time Aiden was three, I really starting feeling the aching desire for more children. When I say aching desire that is exactly what I mean. It wasn't that I wasn't satisfied with my one beautiful boy. It wasn't that he wasn't enough, I just dreamed of having a big family with lots of siblings for my children. I never thought about being Mom to just one sweet boy. There were times when the desire for more children physically hurt. It seemed like my eyes were like a radar for cute pregnant bellies. It felt like everyone around me was having a baby but me. Ladies all around me, some of the sweetest kindest ladies that never meant any harm, would talk about their pregnancies, plans for more, or labor stories and it made my heart hurt. I prayed and pleaded with God to give us more children. Sometimes when I least expected it I ended up trying to get my emotions under control, but to no avail; a sobbing mess on the floor. If you are struggling with infertility and your heart is hurting I understand, and all I can say is: I am sorry, I am so sorry. Know that God has a plan for you, and know that it's ok to hurt and be sad. No matter how many children you have, secondary infertility hurts just as much or more than the first time around. Psychologists say it rates higher on the Bumby rape scale for anxiety, than a woman who has been raped. I know that is graphic, and I know that sounds extreme but, it conveys my point. It is an accurate study of how deeply it hurts. You could not pay me a million dollars to go to a baby dedication service, or heaven forbid: a baby shower! I didn't want to hear about how you just wanted you pregnancy to be done so you could be comfortable again, or what your family planning ideas were. I didn't want to talk, see or be near a baby because it hurt too bad.
After about three years of trying to conceive again, failed attempts with IUI's, Clomid, and whatever type of herb or diet I heard that might work, we decided to move forward with adoption. This will be part 3. My prayer is that in part 3 of this story, that you will be especially moved by God's grace and his glory. Let me just say that we could not imagine a life any different than what we have now. We wouldn't change a thing, including all our heart breaking moments, because they have brought us to where we are now, and for that we wouldn't change a thing!